Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts

After Virtual Infidelity

You stood at the alter and said it - for better or for worse. Here it is - worse.  Life has a funny 
way of testing your resolve, doesn't it?  Many women say that finding porn on their husband's 
or significant others computer has the same emotional upheaval as a real life affair. That day 
was one of the lowest, darkest days of your life. Your trust in him shattered and you may have 
seriously contemplated ending your marriage or relationship.

So where do you go from here? No matter how bleak your situation, you can turn around a 
relationship wounded by virtual infidelity. Just as every relationship has its unique dynamics, 
your solution will be one of a kind; there is no one size fits all answer. That being said, there 
are commonalities in all loving relationships that work towards getting themselves back on 

In a best case scenario, both of you will be fully committed to work together in order to heal 
your relationship. Although there may be times when you feel like throttling your husband or 
boyfriend, don't. Healing from virtual infidelity involves open communication and teamwork. 
He needs to be fully committed to the hard work of kicking his addiction. You get to heal 
your wounds and learn to trust and eventually forgive. If he is in denial and refuses to face his 
demons, you can lead by example and 
get help for yourself.

If you recently discovered your husband or boyfriend's online porn habits, you crumbled at your feet. There will be varying levels of disbelief, shock, intense anger, shame, disenchantment with the relationship and unending sadness. You may be having trouble sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with his emotional and crying a lot. There may also be times when you are furious with the poor decisions he is making and strike out at him verbally. These reactions 
are perfectly normal in early stages of discovery and acceptance. Ironically he may feel a great deal of relief now that his secret is out. PAH calls this the
Porn Healing Paradox.

Please know that healing wounds from virtual infidelity takes a long time. You may believe that things are on the up and up until you walk in the home office and see him flinch in front of the computer. You may have simply startled him but sometimes that is all it takes to turn a perfectly good day into a bad day. Please don't be discouraged as emotion filled ups and downs are the normal path of healing. You will know you are on a true path of healing when the setbacks become fewer and far between.

Some wives and girlfriends need to know what their husbands and boyfriends have been doing online and what sites they have been frequenting. This is wise - to a pornography. Viewed over time, the level of arousal begins to decline which leads addicts to look for more explicit materials to maintain the sexual charge they seek. Some of these explicit sites could include illegal or violent acts ie. minors or rape. Other addicts may eventually feel the need to interact with women online 
through chat rooms or dating sites designed for 'hook ups'.  PAH believes that it is wise to inquire as to the 
general type and frequency of pornography use. If you have children in the home, you owe it them to find out if there have been any illegal sites with minors viewed and protect their physical safety accordingly. You owe it to yourself to determine if there has been any sexual contact with other women. PAH does not recommend 'recreating the scene of the crime' by visiting every cruised site. You will inevitably be affected by the images and will compare yourself with them. No woman, no matter how attractive, can compete with the intensity and variety of the imagery the Internet provides. Some women have little desire to hear the sordid details and that's OK. Other women desire full disclosure and that's OK too. If you have lingering questions, ask him. The answers may be uncomfortable to hear however, just knowing that he is willing to put it all out on the table helps some women recover.

addiction or sex addiction turn to porn for a variety of reasons masking depression, anxiety and financial or professional stress, but all get the same chemical payoff. Addiction to porn is just as real as other addictions: drugs, gambling and alcohol.  The chemicals in the porn addict brain - adrenalin, dopamine and serotonin - are strong enough to cause withdrawal symptoms in some men. Addicts report the sensation of viewing porn is a concentrated version of the rush you feel when you are first in love and intimate. Over time, the porn addicted brain will become over-reliant on receiving another dose of mood-altering chemicals producing to urge to surf. If a user becomes compulsive with online activity to produce a change in mood, porn addiction is born.

Many become lost in the action of surfing for images. It is a safe fantasy world full of excitement, flirting and imagining being in the action on screen.  When in this state, porn addicts can feel a sense of peace, contentment and control over their environment.  It is possible they may not have an orgasm or even get an erection. Many porn addicts report they are able to easily surf for three to four hours daily.   That’s 21 to 28 hours a week…the equivalent of a part time job!  If you combine this schedule with existing obligations of an average employed American male –  8-9 hours on the job, 8 hours sleeping, 1 hour commuting – that leaves only 2-3 hours of free time each day to interact with wives or significant others.  Some porn addicts report increased daily use of up to 5-6 hours a day.  For these seriously addicted men, this level could mean surfing for porn during every available moment of their day. It is no wonder the sex lives of these addicts diminish or cease altogether and the partners feel abandoned and isolated.

Virtual Infidelity continued

>> How to Quit Porn Addiction Starting Now