Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts

Your Perception Is Your Reality

Here you are caught in one of the stickiest quagmires in your life so far. Many wives and girlfriends feel
trapped. It is like seeing a slow motion car accident coming your way and you are unable to get out of the
way. Your future rests in the hands of someone else. They are making bad choices and site by site destroying
the future of your relationship and perhaps the security of your family. Did you know that making a shift in
how you perceive your circumstances can completely change your reality? Read on.

What is your reality? Your reality is your perception of what is happening around you. Your husband or
boyfriend’s reality is their perception of what is happening around them.
 If you challenge yourself to shift
your perception of your circumstances, you will transform your reality. Period.

If you focus a good deal of time and energy towards your appearance, you will be well-groomed. If you
schedule in regular exercise, you will be fit. If you plan frequent family gatherings, you will be closer to your
relatives. If you watch your pocketbook, strive for well-paying jobs and save consistently you will retire with
a nice nest egg. Whatever you place your energy and attention on will become a larger focus in your day-to-day

What you believe is very real to you.  But that does not necessarily make it true and valid. Your mind is a great servant but a poor master. Have you ever looked out a window at night and jumped in fright when you saw someone outside your window watching you? For a brief moment, you are frightened out of your wits before you realize it is your reflection in the window. Perception versus reality.

How does he perceive porn and his use of it?
A man with a porn problem spends countless hours in a fantasy world that can distort his perception of the world. Most men facing problems with porn claim they are more sexual than the average person thereby rationalizing their need to rely upon porn. In most cases their sexual batteries are charged up because of their behavior, focusing on the sex act for many hours a day, and not their genetics. His focus and dedication to his ‘hobby’ will continue to fuel the expansion and affirmation of certain beliefs. Examples:

Now gentle female readers, you all know that these are categorically false. Yet the confirmed and reinforced reality for the porn addict is very different. In the world of porn, these assumptions are common. Your perceived reality may be very different from your spouse or boyfriend. You may perceive him as a pervert or
choosing other women over you. B
oth of your viewpoints, your perceptions, are true and valid for both of you at this point in time.  Is it any wonder that fights ensue?

How do you perceive your situation?
For many women, the discovery of porn addiction in their homes turns their world upside down. Some wives and girlfriends admit an inability to stop thinking about his problem with porn. They wonder if he is looking at porn at work. They scan the computer's history at home for any sign of backsliding. Some may take extra time
looking for signs when doing laundry (ugh!). A common complaint is 'Look what his addiction has done to my life! I can't stop thinking about it and I am too afraid to talk to anyone about it.' The more time you spend thinking about your quandary and your lack of options and control over the situation, the greater the 
chance this will become your reality. This is a false perception as you always have choices in life.

Some women start from a commando standpoint. They remove the computer from the home. Or they password protect access to it. Or they allow  their spouse or boyfriend use of the computer only in their presence.  But is the porn issue resolved? Or does it just have a Band-Aid placed on it? The only solution for long-lasting recovery is for the man to learn to resist the urge to surf for porn on his own. These women may perceive the 
situation as under control. This is a false perception as only he can heal himself.

One commonality amongst all wives and girlfriends of porn addicts is the blow to your self-esteem. If you were prettier, blonder, bustier, thinner, younger, or more adventurous in bed then your partner would not be drawn to porn the way he is. You blame yourself. You feel guilt for those occasions when you may have turned down his advances. You may begin to question why anyone would want to be in a relationship with you. You 
feel deserted, rejected, unattractive, unchosen. Your perception of what you focus on may become your reality. You may stop taking care of yourself the way you should. You may react in unhealthy ways using food, drugs, alcohol or outside relationships. In the moment, these coping mechanisms may quiet your pain but in the end the experience of having used them will validate your perception of unworthiness.  Of course all of 
these perceptions are incorrect. There is nothing you did or didn't do that drove him to use porn.  It is important to be aware of the ways in which we perceive our inner world as well as the world around us. Our perceptions become our experience of reality.

Perception vs. Reality Page 2

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