Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts

How To Get Your Groove Back





 
Be Your Own Best Friend.

Self-esteem is how we feel or think about ourselves. You inherently know your values and your needs. Get help and start to make changes, day by day and moment by moment that will bring your current reality into alignment with who you are as a person. The first important step in accomplishing this is to gain control over your internal critical self-talk.

If your friend came to you with a problem, how would you support them? Would you listen intently? Would you offer them empathy?  Would you be patient and loving towards them? If they had a disappointment, would you would console them and convince them that this is only a temporary setback? Of course you would.

Porn addiction can be very isolating for the addict and the partner. Your normal avenues for comfort may not be there due to the stigmas surrounding sexual addiction in our culture. You are with yourself every minute of every day. It is important that you are your own best friend. As the wife or girlfriend of a porn addict, there is most certainly some self-defeating dialogue in your head. Examples:

•        I am not physically good enough; I am not skinny, buxom, sexually experienced, blonde, etc. etc.
•        If hadn’t let myself go, this wouldn’t have happened.
•        My love and companionship is not meaningful; he would rather spend hours with pictures on the      
         computer than have a real life relationship with me.
•        Why didn’t I recognize the signs of addiction earlier; why did I minimize his porn use?



If a recorder taped your internal dialogue for one day, what would it capture?  What have you said about yourself over the last couple of hours? If a friend said these same things to you on a constant basis, would you consider spending a great deal of time in his or her company? No way! Yet we verbally abuse ourselves daily. Most of us are unaware of the extent of our self-defeating internal conversation. This self-talk has a HUGE impact on your self-esteem and how you move in the world around you.

Try to be more aware of what you are saying to yourself. If something negative plays in your head, STOP!  Stop what you are doing, close your eyes and be your own best friend. Be supportive, upbeat, and empathetic. Remind yourself that things will get better. Be patient and love yourself right through this troubled time. What did Grandma always say? This too shall pass.

Create a plan.

The second step is to make it your business to get your life back on track. You are the Executive Team. It is your job to manage your life by making the right choices and decisions. Gather data as to what is going well in your world and identify problem areas. Make your assessment on facts and not emotions. Need a starting point for your internal assessment? Start with these questions:

        Do I eat nutritious food?
        Do I get enough rest?
        Do I get regular medical checkups?
        Do I get enough exercise?
        What do I like and dislike about my appearance?
        Do I engage in any unhealthy or dangerous activity?
Mental Needs
        Am I satisfied with my level of education?
        Does my job/daily life keep me alert and stimulated?
        Am I learning new skills or hobbies?
Social Needs
        Does my support system of family and/or friends make me feel secure?
        How does my current level of self-esteem affect those around me?
        Do I rely on someone to fulfill my emotional needs? Who is that and how is that working?
        What stops me from doing what I really like or want to do?
        Do I spend a lot of time alone? Do I enjoy it?  What do I do when I am by myself?
Boundaries
        Have I set boundaries to prevent physical or emotional wounds?
        Am I in tune with my feelings and emotions enough to realize when a personal boundary has been crossed?
        Do I have clearly defined limits for unacceptable behavior?
        Have I properly communicated these limits to those around me?
        Are there consequences in place for when boundaries are breached?
Self Love
        What do I like best about myself?
        What do other people compliment me on? Ask friends how they see you. They may see qualities in you that you do not recognize or appreciate.
        Do I accept compliments well or brush them off?
Spiritual Needs
        What are my spiritual needs?
        Am I seeking more connection with a Higher Power?

Say you hired a manager and asked them to straighten out a problem. What would you do if you found out they just sat there and shrugged their shoulders? You would fire them of course! But you can’t fire yourself. You are the Executive Team. It is your business to get your life on back on track. You now have a lot of information to work from. No one else gets a vote. No one else can tell you what is best for you. Get busy making a plan and putting it into action.


Take Action Today To Get Your Groove Back

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