Relationship Rescue for Wives and Girlfriends of Internet Pornography Addicts

Sex Addiction and Your Energy Focus - HIM

One common strategy is to try to control the situation commando style.  A wife or girlfriend may regularly sift through the computer history for signs of porn use, grill him on what types of pornography he has/is been accessing, password protect the computer allowing only monitored access, threaten him with divorce or exposure, and may even bait him posing as a woman on the Internet to see how he responds. The goal in these
actions is to regain a sense of control in a seemingly out of control situation. The results you get with these types of policing tactics are like a cheap suit. It looks good initially, but it will fall apart in the near future.  If you seek accountability and honesty between the two of you, which would be more meaningful: action because you demand it or sincere effort from his heart? The end goal is always to increase intimacy. Intimacy
is born from emotional connection not coercion and demands.

You don't believe it when you first hear it from his mouth, but it is true. His porn use has nothing directly to do with you. Say that you had a very challenging day. Your boss reprimanded you at work or your car broke down again. How do you cope? Do you have a few cookies or glasses of wine? Do you head to the mall for some shopping therapy? These coping behaviors allow you to feel better in the short term but do not change the
status of your troubles. Are the cookies or glasses of wine the problem? No, your boss
remains hot and your car still has engine problems. The cookies, wine, or shopping trip were chosen by you as a way to deal with strong emotions. The same goes for porn use. Many women mistakenly believe that porn use is the problem rather than a symptom of greater issues. For one reason or another, your partner is most likely using porn as way to self-medicate or detach from the pressures of daily life. Does this minimize the pain you feel? No, but it is important for you to understand nonetheless.

You are not able to control your partner's choices.  The only way to achieve long-lasting recovery is for him to decide once and for all to distance himself from porn. So what proactive steps can 
you take to help the process along?

The last thing to consider is that no one is perfect. You may find he makes mistakes as he starts his journey. He may have a slip or relapse. A relapse is a complete return to his previous behavior. A slip is a one time event while making progress. When you are dieting, you can slip and eat a candy bar from the vending machine at work on a particularly stressful day. You feel awful afterward and the following day continue your diet with greater resolve. Slips can be valuable learning experiences. As long as he is making steady progress and is intent on changing, slips can be tolerated. Relapses signify there are issues that still need to be uncovered and addressed. 

Focusing on You

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